Clarity

It's hard when you have to admit that you're not ok, & probably haven't been for so long. There's so much ugliness rooted in my past that is hindering me from being who I really am, or even knowing who I am. The last 3 days have been the most difficult I have ever experienced...more so than when Craig shot himself. Jordy has been staying elsewhere...I guess you can call it a break, it's scaring the shit out of me. But I know we'll be ok. He's the thing that is suppose to remain constant in my life.

I'm realizing things that are not my fault, they are my childhood. I need to move on, I need to start living. I need to stop HIDING. It's time I bring people back into my life & stop being so superficial. I guess this post is the first step (as most of you are probably like "Holy F***" right now) You all are here for me...I don't know why I've never allowed any of you in. (well I do know...but I have to stop feeling like you're going to leave me or die)

.......

So clarity...yeah it hit me like a ton of bricks while out with Rob last night. This will probably be the most hardest road I'll be undertaking in my life but I need to. Jordy & I need to stop living in a "sick" relationship. I thank all of you for being in my life...my clarity is realizing I've never been alone, I chose to be that way.